Peak Communication

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Category Archives: Teenagers

Communication vs Manipulation

The other day, a student of my classes was arguing that part of his generation considered attempts at “effective” communication, forms of manipulation. What ensued, was a conversation on how to differentiate both concepts.

At first, my reaction was ambivalent. I was appreciating the young people’s aversion for manipulation, I also felt both notions had to be clearly defined and placed where they belong.

For example, everyone can sense attempts at manipulation when confronted with ubiquitous and, I must admit, superbly crafted advertising messages on all media. Even more so, in the US, it has been estimated that spending on advertising for children had increased five-fold in the last ten years until 2007; and in the same year, a well known fast food chain had topped the European list of kids’ advertisers.   In another realm, trainings exist aiming at ” developing communication skills for people management “  or  ” getting what you need from anyone including colleagues “.

What do these strategies have in common ? and how do they differ from the “positive” intention of authentic communication ?  The purpose of advertising is to sell products and services, and most often in mature economies, by creating a need for consumption, either in promising happiness, exaggerating performances, generating anxiety, or idealizing people and symbols. Whether we look at communication in advertising or to gain people’s cooperation almost in spite of themselves, what appears clear is the real intention behind the effort.

The eventual amalgam of communication and manipulation is therefore pertinent, however what separates both notions in scope and long term implications remains the intention to respect or not, another person’s feelings and his/her integrity.

 

Authentic verbal communication between two individuals or facing an audience, establishes a genuine link, a connection imbued with respect, and empathy that can clearly be felt by all present. It has a purpose to share not charm, inform not misinform. Even in enrolling, the intention is to show possibilities, to be grasped now, or, when the time is right, free from pressure.

However, establishing control over others, means also establishing control over oneself, lowering the other’s as well as one’s own self-esteem, risking distrust and isolation in the long run. A high price to pay in exchange for moments of power.

 

The application of authentic and respectful communication means surrendering control, the freedom simply, to be the way we are, in total abandon. It fosters the strengthening of one’s own confidence and the audience’s too : what some call, charisma, a form of subtle and contagious empowerment, the distinct opposite of subservience. Is this why, the experience of these feelings even for a moment, leaves a lasting impression.

I have seen these very qualities shining around some rare individuals, and in their company, speaking is almost superfluous, we sense what is meant, words are transcended, the sensation is unique. Can we find any better example of authentic communication ? Shall we develop this way of relating instead ?

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What Many students Think of “Communication”

A few days ago, I was chatting with students at a local university asking them whether they would take classes in verbal communication. Their answers fused with a tone of scepticism : “I am studying architecture”, “I am studying mechanical engineering”, “I am studying science”. . .So ? I replied, as their eyes turned to me.

I went on: well, you, future architects, are going to spend a good deal of your time making presentations in order to sell your design ideas and get them approved by clients: companies, as well as individuals. While you, future engineers, will have to communicate daily with your team of colleagues, to collaborate on projects and might be requested from time to time, to speak on topics of technical nature to various audiences, experts and non-experts.  I paused, as surprise was giving way to quiet acknowledgement.

This short interaction had a deep effect on me. It lead me to reconsider how to approach my goal of delivering this oral communication training.

First, why would students not immediately realize how important verbal communication is, for studies, at work and in daily life ? in addition, did their replies mean that communication was somewhat of a feared subject ?

Regarding the first issue, we all know college and university students have a heavy program of topics to absorb in order to get their degrees, and yet the single matter of communication is rarely part of an official curriculum. Hence, when mentioned as a useful skill, students show surprise; since it is not listed as a compulsory object of study, it is assumed communication skills should occur naturally. Interestingly, human beings are  natural “communicators”, whether by intent or by default. The matter is whether we always express what we really mean, the way we deliberately choose, and in harmony with our peers.

Communication by intent is of course the desired objective. The reality is different; only rare individuals are natural, talented communicators. As for acquiring any skills, most of us have to practice consciously and get some form of training depending on our innate aptitudes. Some notions have to be explained and used. Only this path would allow individuals with poor dispositions to improve, and those with standard capacities to excel.

 

As for the second issue: communication as a somewhat feared subject. One clarification should be made: this training is about human interactions distinct from the objectives of communicating to sell.  It is about relating, and sharing in order to live and work in an harmonious way together while recognizing and respecting our individual differences. Second, the other purpose of the training is to explore, explain and discover; these are all practical activities destined to take confusion away, bring clarity and fun, in order to replace the fear to speak by the joy of being listened to.  Let’s keep in mind that, for many people, the most feared experience is to speak in public, ranking only second, after the fear of dying.

 

Verbal communication classes that include practical and specialized modules as part of any curriculum from the age of 15 to early university degrees, would go a long way, to foster self-confidence, social maturity, intellectual curiosity, critical thinking, creativity, and even social responsibility. All intangible assets the community needs, to face the many challenges of today. Skilled verbal communication in the work place for instance, would also extend the scope of individual competence to a more inclusive and collaborative space.

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Verbal Communication – What the Ancients Knew and We Have Lost

The 15th century’s great technological improvements in printing that took place in Europe, made possible the wide circulation of books and the mass diffusion of ideas and knowledge. From that time on, the emphasis of education left the domains of listening, oral communication and rhetorical skills and relied almost exclusively on reading and writing.*

*notes taken from Mortimer J. Adler : How To Speak, How To Listen  (1997)

 

With the passing of time, the solitary activities of reading and writing have made us less and less amenable to careful listening, the enjoyment of conversing and the skills of public speaking. These ways to acquire and exchange knowledge once critical to the ancient form of education have quietly become minor practices for most of us, in the modern school system.

 

In this era of instant, global communication, why do so many of us feel “disconnected”, lonely, and yearning for ways to genuinely reconnect with a community, neighbors, peers, and people feeling in the same way ?  Has the technological era consumed for good that age-old practice and sense that once granted time, assurance and the abilities to listen and converse patiently for long moments with friends or strangers ?  the skills often referred to as the “lost” art of conversation. What appears clear from current observations is that a trend is now emerging, people of all ages are looking for opportunities of face to face conversations, exchanges of ideas and personal feelings with like-minded individuals. This urge to reconnect though unequal in segments of society is slowly reviving traces of the old tradition. Unequivocally these exchanges provide the participants with a deeper sense of self-worth, satisfaction, appreciation, and empathy while developing authentic skills for verbal communication; furthermore, they tend not only to become parts of daily life but invigorate an alternative lifestyle centered on community values based on sharing, and various forms of mutual support.

 

Let’s encourage the younger generation to enjoy verbal communication skills that will develop self-confidence, social maturity and open up their world to more possibilities.

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